for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
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I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish