To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
You Might Also Like
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!