I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
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I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Oh my God.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.