I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
You Might Also Like
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Ok who’s got my black socks?
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.