Fiction has to make sense.
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I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
I think I’m having a stroke
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way