I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
You Might Also Like
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.