Important reminders
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He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.