I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
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Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed