Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
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Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.