Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
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First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*