You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
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Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
As the Lord intended
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up