Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
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BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
early stone age tool
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.