A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
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Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.