my one true gender
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I have so many questions.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Has science gone too far?
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose