[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
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Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.