The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
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I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
The Sun
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!