sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
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Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?