I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
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According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
me when the borders lift
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
The game has officially changed 😎
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
set yourself free xox
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
you will never know the true number of layers
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.