At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
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interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
How wrong was this guy?
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
got so much cardio in today
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?