Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
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Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
kids play hide and seek like
you stereotypes are all alike
life finds a way
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.