I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
#oldknees
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…