Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
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I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
🤭😂
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.