if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
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went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.