PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
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My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Yes, this is exactly right
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?