I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
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Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Worth remembering.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
first you must answer his riddles