Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
You Might Also Like
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.