Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
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Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Just had my nails done!
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door