I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
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My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Get in loser we’re going crying
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.