Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dmโed me on twitter telling me theyโve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other weโre both not gonna have him ๐๐๐
You Might Also Like
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each otherโs throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. Iโm good.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Snake: Oh shit itโs a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: Iโm afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Forever 21… pounds overweight
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
โStruggling with insomniaโ sounds like youโre just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it wonโt stop waving its arms around.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
my neighbors have set up a little โbear huntโ game by putting teddy bears in their windows. Iโve shot five so far
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
When I see city workers planting a tree Iโm like dudeโฆ whoโs side are you on?
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Me:
Remember when we didnโt have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking wonโt load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.