Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
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ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY