me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
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Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES