As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
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My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
God has left this place
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Proctology is located in A55
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse