In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
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date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
how long have you had this for?
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
a public service announcement
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Cool shirt 🙂
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis: