If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
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*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Lmao
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
screw you
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Message from the dog groomers
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.