If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
You Might Also Like
You learn something every day
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.