Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
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When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.