I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
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love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.