Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
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Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜