Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
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If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”