My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
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I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”