me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
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Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
*Inspirational Tweets*
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*