Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
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Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet