Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
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I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
lmfao come on
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.