“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
I’m not stressed
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
#inspiration #foodforthought
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.