Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
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Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in