Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
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My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
it’s the silliest best thing
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick