im getting some exciting spam emails lately
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1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Classic German Shepherd 😂
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.