Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
You Might Also Like
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok