Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
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My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Simple
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Am I having a stroke?
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.