What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
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Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)